my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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