Your face is a jimmy john
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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