I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
