I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
is it fun? or sober?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
