i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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