fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
