chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
