She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
In America we eat man semen.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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