Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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