I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
