we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
