Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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