I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
