Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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