If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
