I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just threw up on my dentist
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize