I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
