Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
