New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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