i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
