Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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