I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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