Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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