If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
