Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
