I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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