I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have aggressive nipples.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
