Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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