The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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