Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what day is it and did you see me today?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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