i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im six kinds of drunk right now
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
