sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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