Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
