The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
