You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
