Don't make out with my wife yet
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
