how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
