i think i have two assholes
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I still have a little drunk in my system
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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