I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
