I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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