im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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