Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
