im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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