I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
