I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
