he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My balls are so social today.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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