I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
