Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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