I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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