im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
