I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
