Capitaan dildo arrescate!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
