I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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