She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Randomize
