Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...