Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
