Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
