just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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