he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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