i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
