I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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